Hats and Crying

I am now the proud owner of: one blonde wig (golden glaze), one Kangol beret (very Samuel L. Jackson), two bandanas (one black, one purple-ish) and a very cosy blue hat (of indeterminate style).  I'm hoping to get organised enough to get Charlie to take pictures of me wearing each of these for a new poll…and speaking of polls, I believe there has been some foul play…I've been told that a Geordie cartel (Steve!) has been voting more than once for his favourite Geordie lads…some people really should be working 😉

I have to admit that the last week or so has been tough.  I am finding it difficult to take in all that has happened to me and I do spend far too much time thinking about how much I will see of the babies, how Charlie will cope, how often I'll get to see the girls and so on.  When I wake up, I start crying and then have to get it together before the girls come through.  I'm physically well and I can go out places but I'm scared to go out on my own.  My pregnancy and ATRA drug have lowered my blood pressure so much that I can pass out getting out of bed or getting into the shower.  I'm just worried that if I go out alone, I'll faint and then it will all go horribly wrong 🙁

I'm frustrated at all the things I didn't do before being unwell – I didn't join a gym, I was too grumpy with my family, I didn't do more!  Amber asked me on Friday why I wasn't taking her to school and I got really upset.  I was annoyed that she didn't know…I was annoyed that my five year old didn't understand that I was unwell, pregnant and emotional…just listen to me!  I couldn't tell her and asked Charlie to remind the girls, from time to time, about why I'm not able to do the things I did before.

My blood counts are fine and I'm out of hospital until Friday again.  I spent Monday in the Day Room in the ward (a kind of down beat living room!) because my normal room was being done up!  I hope they put in that water bed I requested 🙂
V x

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